I've been reflecting lately on the past 6 months of being a new mom. Becoming a mom is a truly humbling experience in more ways than one and it's made me check my ego at the door and realize I owe some people an apology or two.
First to my girlfriends who had children before I did. I need to apologize for not being more understanding when you were unable to answer the phone, or go out late night drinking, or even grab a movie. I know how valuable time to yourself is during those first few months or even years (I'm assuming) and I don't blame you for wanting to spend a few minutes in just blissful silence. Alone. I also now know how hard it is to actually leave that little one to take advantage of some well deserved "me" time. It's weird how a little baby pooping on you, puking on you, screaming in your face for the better part of an hour can still be so hard to put down and leave every once in a while! I'm sorry for questioning your parenting choices. For assuming that I had all the knowledge of raising children, for even thinking "that's not how I would do it" or "I can't believe she's doing THAT". The sad part is, this was all before I even had kids. Who was I to pass judgement? I now know that parents are different. By my standards some are loosy-goosy, some are extreme, some are downright weird, but why is it my place to tell them that as long as their child is happy and safe. If it works for their family, fantastic! That doesn't mean I have to replicate it with mine. I'm sorry for not having the respect for you to respect your choices. Lastly, I'm sorry for not listening. Not listening with both ears and one heart. I know there are plenty of conversations that were had in which I "heard" what was being said, but I didn't listen. I now know sometimes it just takes an empathetic ear. No need for advice, no need for guidance or reassurance that you're doing it right. Just an open heart to say "it's ok". I'm sorry for not being that person earlier.
Second, to my family. I'm sorry for being that kid and for not always appreciating what was given to me. People always say "I want to give my kids more than what I had". More what? More things? More space? More rules? More time? What does more mean? I'm sorry for always wanting "more" despite having pretty much everything. I hope to raise B with a healthy understanding of working for what he wants; that not everything is just given to you. But in doing this, I hope to be able to give him "more" of what really matters. Quality time, love, attention, space to make mistakes, all of the things I had growing up with my family, and all of the things Polish Prince gives to me now. I'm sorry to my family for not realizing this and appreciating it earlier.
Third, to my sweet little B. I'm sorry for not being the "perfect" mother (whatever that is). I'm sorry for the mistakes I've already made (A hand-held shower head seemed like a great alternative to a diaper sprayer!) and for the mistakes I'm sure I'm going to make. I'm sorry there will be times I'll have to say "no" and for the times you'll think I'm unfair. But I promise I will be your perfect mother. We'll navigate this world together, bumps and bruises along the way. There will be plenty of opportunity for apologies in this life and plenty of "I still love you anyway" hugs as well.
I read an article a while ago about passing judgement on other moms and since then I've tried to be more open-minded. It's sad that I have to try as hard as I do, but as previously mentioned, I'm not perfect. I'm learning, everyday, how to better myself and set a good example for B. I think it's AA that says before you can start recovery you have to right your wrongs. I hope this post will suffice for much of that. As I continue to grow I'm constantly reminded of something my grade school librarian Mr. Anderson used to say:
"A wise old owl sat in an oak, the more he saw, the less he spoke, the less he spoke, the more he heard. Why can't I be like that wise old bird"